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WEST DAKOTA: Here, goblets of diesel fuel are burned in offering to the railroad gods. Locals make omelettes using the eggs of rattlesnakes.
APSYLANIA: A land of snow and rust where only water towers can survive. Their long, iron tentacles guard the tombs of forgotten presidents.
AGASSIZ: A colossal lead heart that connects all sewers throbs just beneath this state's surface. Its palpitations are felt as earthquakes.
SELIMA: Known for pan-fried hornets dipped in maple salsa. The Roosevelt National Labyrinth begins near its eastern border, and never ends.
OROCROIX: Scarecrows stuffed with telephone wire fill the few ghost towns that remain here. They subsist on our expended alkaline batteries.
ELKANSAS: In the famous Deepweather Caves, tornadoes slumber in jet-black chrysalises. Tourists can get up close and hear their heartbeats.
NEW BELARUS: Every other summer, its sun-drunken residents gather together in the countryside and burn a cumulonimbus cloud to the ground.
MISUSCHAQUA: The Sword of Chevrolet is rumored to be buried in stone behind a waterfall somewhere within its Electric Jungle National Park.
PANNASOSIA: This state has no land of its own; its borders are entirely inscribed within an underground lake. Something lives here, though.
MAZO: Naturally-occuring radio towers flank the highways with their sandstone trusses, broadcasting the mournful wails of the earth spirits.
RUSKEAGAN: Rollercoasters sprout from its pale mountains like beanstalks. They've replaced all other transportation, and won't stop growing.
TAGASAW: The American rhinoceros, native to its prairies, is poached for its thick, blue denim hide. Sunscreen is necessary to survive here.
SELGANAC: The Tomb of Paul Bunyan takes up eight hectares of this forested state. Space was folded to fit his massive brasswood sarcophagus.
MAGRASSEE: Raw freshwater jellyfish are served as a restaurant staple. Some see the faces of lost loved ones in the lysergic cranberry bogs.
YALDA: Old mirages have solidified into legal persons in the southern violet deserts. The cacti are infectious; many residents grow needles.
KELLOGG: Miles of farmland where most of America's candles are grown. Those aren't mushroom clouds— that's just what their weather is like.
DAGONSA: A desert cooked dry by the moon; there's nothing to see here but blue dunes of powdered water.
MOHAVEE: A variant of baseball is played with curved, wooden scimitars. Locals suck on gemstones like gobstoppers until they become opaque.
NEUROFORNIA: Better known as the internet. The dial-up connection sounds experienced elsewhere are actually the songs of its native birds.
WENAGLIA: In the east, all interstate highways converge into a concrete whirlpool. In the west, there is a necropolis of sacred automobiles.
RUSH: Abandoned riverboats have been made into cathedrals by mermaids. There are giant toads here, whose legs are served with rose mustard.
NARAGUA: Fourth of July fireworks are illegal here. They prefer a liquor made from crushed fireflies that causes everyone to see their own.
CHENOSKA: A near-perfect replica of Mount Rushmore exists here; the only difference is that the statues have waterfalls beneath their eyes.
EDISON: The soil has a chartreuse glow from aquifers of pressurized electricity. Many residents are blind from working in the halogen mines.
BOLGANA: These badlands of venomous sagebrush are dominated by two species: jackalopes, and the carnivorous tumbleweeds that prey upon them.
WAYALA: A benign supervolcano churns beneath its nevergreen trees. The ground oozes a harmless lava that children can sculpt like playdough.
HALUTH: A comet struck these lands thousands of years ago, but it never melted. Subterranean ski resorts have been built in its icy intrels.
OUTIS: Home of the pyramid featured on the dollar bill's obverse. The entire state is a cellphone deadzone due to colonies of magnetic ants.
ASTRAGOULA: The closest state to Mars; it appears larger than the Moon. Edgar Cayce predicted that the last Super Bowl would be fought here.
REMINGTON: The sunflowers here watch you instead of the sky, and bare their teeth if approached. Don't get pinched when picking crawberries.
ILINACK: Ferris wheels migrating south for winter roll across these steppes. The groaning of their iron bones drowns out the cricket choirs.
NULL YORK: The territory of this state consists of the surface area of the pupils of every American's eyes, experienced as a bottomless pit.
LORALINA: The children of the Statue of Liberty have built a monastery here. Their robes conceal the layers of patina that cover their skin.
EIZALA: The planet's westernmost point is believed to be here somewhere. Wild jacuzzis digest careless tourists slowly, like pitcher plants.
VENTI: Squid ink margaritas are served nightly at seaside resorts. It is customary to toast the thousand sharks that devour the setting sun.
NORADIA: This empty state was built as a decoy for the Soviet attack that never came. Its cornfields are concrete, its buildings windowless.
OLCOTT: An artificial, forested landscape composed of video feedback. It is in this domain that the entity known as Sasquatch is imprisoned.
KUALI: Street vendors sell stingray jerky for the brave, tails included. Surfers sharpen their boards like knives, for the waves have teeth.
ABRAXAS: The ancient volcanic calderas that pepper this landscape have been fashioned into barbecue pits where catoblepas herds are cooked.
KENASUS: A great sea of windmills tears apart the atmosphere. Astronauts are trained here, as most breathable air is lost to these machines.
NEW JUTLAND: The final destination of all train graffiti. The glyphs slither down from their cars and become three-dimensional aberrations.
BARNUM: Tycoons often meet in this desert to sip petroleum cider and place bets on how the world will end. Borders the fabled "bat country."
KILOTAH: A player piano was elected governor nearly a century ago, and still holds the title. Although he is out of tune, all obey his song.
JESSETA: A war is being fought here between taxidermied animals and abandoned theme park animatronics, yet all we can perceive is stillness.
RANDOLPH: Geysers of sand erupt from its fault lines; some say this state is an inverted hourglass counting down to the other America's end.
NEW TROY: Quartz mountains filter the rising sun's colors. Sodas flavored by the shadows of fruit are sold here in exchange for human teeth.
ERIE: Carnegie had a secret library built here. It burned down decades ago, but the words remain suspended in midair, naked of their pages.
ZALAS: An endless shopping mall with an equally endless arcade of black neon, whose only available game is a rehearsal of thermonuclear war.
HENRY: Angry stars glow bright orange over this tall state. It consists of a solitary Rocky Mountain planned for demolition by a mortal god.
THIRD JERSEY: Atomic milkshakes and deep-fried rainbows are staples of this lost state. Oz can be seen burning from its emerald skyscrapers.
The Invisible States of America - A Tourism Guide by UEL ARAMCHEK
Fifty allegedly fictional states in fifty tweets: x.com/ThePatanoiac/t